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Sunday, November 8, 2009

Let the Games Begin

a creative musing by Jennifer Neff (written pre-wedding)

Ever heard of the Bridal Olympics? Well, I have now!


When friends and family referred to wedding planning as competitive I didn't believe them. I was wrong. It's very competitive. I just went through the first event in the games and it's already a brawl. I booked our wedding and reception site just yesterday. Before I went on the tour, I had called to see if they had our date open. They did. A few days later (after the tour was over) I told the wedding sales associate what date and time I wanted to sign up for. "Oh, I'm sorry, it looks like someone already booked that date," was her response.

I was instantly sad, pissed off, and jealous all at once (not a common mixture for me). I had already fallen in love with the place, and Tim and I had discussed the date and time before I went on the tour. Tim couldn't come with us to the tour because of his work schedule, so if I didn't get the specific date, time, and place that we discussed I wouldn't be able to make the reservation. If that happened I would have to hold off on all other plans for the wedding. As you can see, there was a lot riding on this single piece of the puzzle fitting just right.

I asked her if the hold was set in stone because I had just called a few days before to ensure the date was still open. She called the woman who set the hold to make sure. Apparently this woman was on tons of morphine and had made a premature hold for someone who hadn't toured yet. This was excellent news for me because the reservations are made on a first-come-first-served basis. As overjoyed as I was I couldn't escape the thought of moral dilemma. Could I really steal the wedding date right out from under another bride to be? Would it be right to shatter the dreams and break the will of another opponent? This thought lasted only a fraction of a second. There were two correct answers; yes I can, and yes it is! After all, I am a bridezilla who follows the Olympic rules (see below for rules). I may admit to being wrong about the level of competition in wedding preparation, but I will never admit defeat in the games! NEVER!

For those of you who aren't familiar with the time-honored tradition of the Bridal Olympics, here is a detailed description:

The Bridal Olympics is an ancient competition in which childhood dreams and months or years of serious dating collide. It consists of a series of fierce and grueling events that begin with a joyous pre-games engagement and end with an emotional, all-out sprint to a honeymoon destination. This may sound like a simple, spur-of-the-moment fling but nothing could be further from the truth. This competition has strict rules to follow, a well established code of conduct, and a definite order of events.

Disclaimer: This is a winner-takes-all event. All participants play at their own risk, so grab your MAC supply and put on your game face.

Order of Events:

Engagement - A pre-games celebration that signals the beginning of the Bridal Olympics.

Site Joust - This is a game that demands the keen use of strategy, agility, speed, and balance. Once you know what site you want to be married in you'll have to joust for your dreams with another rabid, snarling, vicious bride. To win you must deliver quick and effective blows with a large stick (adorned with taffeta and lace) to knock her off her pedestal. You must also know when to launch yourself off of your pedestal and tackle your opponent to the ground in order to defend your territory.

Officiant Filibuster - This is an extremely touchy event in which a bride's diplomacy and oratory skills are called upon. The stage is set when you interrupt your pastor making wedding ceremony plans with another bride...on your wedding date...at your ceremony time...cripes! Because you're in the house of God you have to be careful not to start a fist fight or you'll lose your pastor for good. To win you'll have to talk it out...for as long as it takes. Remember to choose your words wisely!

Tag Team Gown Smack Down - This is the ultimate show of brute strength, endurance, and shrieking capability. As with the jousting event, your bridely foes will be rabid and foaming at the mouth over the dresses at the wedding charity event you've attended. When a mean-spirited bride snatches the dream gown right out of your hands she doesn't just declare war with you. She's also declared war with your mother who is with you. This spawns a wrestling match between brides and mothers of brides. If you thought those black metal folding chairs along the walls were for sitting, then you obviously didn't smell what The Rock was cookin'.

Bridesmaids' Tug of War - For this event you need to be in peak pulling condition. Strength and endurance play a vital role in this game. You and your best girls are in the dress shop collecting bridesmaids dresses when a bridesmaid from another party tries to take on of your girls' dresses. How uncalled-for! Now you get to join your bridesmaids in a game of tug of war. In this game the brides are always in the front of each line with their maidens backing them up. A dress rack serves as the half way point. Once you have the other bride past that rack the dress is yours for the taking...unless it's ripped. In this case you still win because the losing team must abide by the, "you break it, you buy it," rule.

Honeymoon Victory Lap - I believe this is self explanatory. We don't need to go into why it's victorious, or who's lap it's in.


Rules:
1. Always look out for number one.
2. Never admit defeat. You can't lose out on your big day.
3. There is no such thing as cheating. In the Bridal Olympics we call it a, "connection," or, "planning ahead," or a, "competitive edge."
4. If you are on the losing team in a dress event then your team must pay for anything broken in the heat of battle.
5. Hitting another bride across the back with a metal folding chair is completely acceptable in all events except the filibuster.
6. No shouting, swearing, farting, or fighting inside the house of God. However, the front lawn of God's house is an entirely different matter.
7. In the event that the dress rips before the tug of war is won there will be a tie breaking game of Slug Bug. This is to be played outside, and the slugs will be delivered directly to the face. The last woman standing wins the game for her team.
8. In regular joust, leaping from the podium results in disqualification, but in Site Joust it does not. If a bride chooses to launch herself at a competitor, then the bride who lands on her back loses that round.
9. Pulling of hair is permitted.


Code of Conduct: Brides and bridesmaids are to be fierce, vicious, and ready for battle at all times. Meekness, squeamishness, or whining is an automatic disqualification. In addition to above requirements, brides also must keep up a blushing and magnanimous facade. This does not apply to bridesmaids or mothers of brides. Although the games are competitive, there shall be no name calling. This is deemed unsportsmanlike. This also does not apply to bridesmaids or mothers of brides. Laughing at the comments of bridesmaids or mothers of brides is not a disqualification for the bride. No loafing will be permitted by anyone.

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